|Life with Lamarr|
|Created by||Co Fiori-McPhee|
|Started||29th January, 2009|
|No. of Books||5|
|No. of episodes||214|
| Official site |
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Life with Lamarr is a surreal G-Mod comic by Co Fiori-McPhee set inbetween the games Half-Life and Half-Life 2. It follows the day to day life of theoretical physicist Isaac Kleiner, his pet, the titular Lamarr and his room-mate Barney Calhoun.
- For a full cast list see: List of Life with Lamarr characters.
- Isaac Kleiner - A theoretical physicist and former employee of Black Mesa before it was destroyed by invading aliens and a nuclear bomb. Room-mate to Barney Calhoun.
- Barney Calhoun - An Irishman with a penchant for alcohol and former security guard at Black Mesa.
- Lamarr - The titular headcrab, pet of Dr. Kleiner. Having been tamed (and de-beaked) it is incapable of turning a person into a zombie.
- Wallace Breen - Former administer of Black Mesa, now administer of the entire Earth. Is constantly after Dr. Kleiner due to his late rent payment.
- Judith Mossman - Fiancée to Dr. Breen, quite absent minded and has a habit of accidental inserting double entendre into serious conversations.
- Earl Beathan - Once an ordinary citizen, now quite insane after spending eight months trapped with the corpse of his brother-in-law Roderick Thanatos.
- Roderick Thanatos - Married to Earl's sister, until he died that is, he now spends his time being carried around by Earl.
- Arne Magnusson - A former scientist at Black Mesa, driven insane by Dr. Kleiner due to his endless good advice and ruining his date with Judith Mossman. Now goes by alias The Headcrab King.
- Eli Vance - Creator of the Free Children's Commune, a place for citizens to escape the cities and reconnect with nature. The Commune turned out to be a front for his evil schemes.
- Alyx Vance - Eli's teenage daughter, rebellious like the average teen and is sick of the hippy life.
- Sunbeam - A Combine Officer, joined the Free Children's Commune and got a large bout of amnesia from all the drugs.
- Melanie Land - A widowed melon-growing woman who scratches a living in the wastelands.
- Obediah Fisher - A rich and unscrupulous landowner.
- Nancy Longfigger - Dr. Breen's right-hand woman, dreams of removing Judith Mossman from the picture so she can have Breen to herself.
- Odessa Cubbage - A military man turned narrator.
- Peter Orniphobe - 'Victim' of Baron von Tailfeathers
- Baron von Tailfeathers - A pigeon with a taste for destruction.
- Timothy - A talking Cactus.
|<(This Wiki needs work, get to it you rapscallions!) (Yes sir!)>|
List of Episodes
|1||1||Hate Cuisine||Finding no food in the apartment Dr. Kleiner takes Lamarr out to a restaurant.|
|2||2||Window Pain||Someone keeps breaking Dr. Kleiner's windows, however Barney is too busy getting drunk to help him.|
|3||3||Saucy Headcrab||Dr. Kleiner is late on paying the rent, however Barney may have discovered a solution.|
|4||4||Potty Time||Lamarr has made a mess on the rug, it is time for her to learn how to use the "little headcrab's room".|
|5||5||Expression||Dr. Kleiner is defending Lamarr's right to express herself so Barney sets out to express himself.|
|6||6||Kleiner's Scientific Method||After another talk with Dr. Breen over the late rent Dr. Kleiner is inspired to make a breakthrough in theoretical physics.|
|7||7||Death's a Beach||Taking a break from work Dr. Kleiner takes Lamarr and Barney to the beach for a picnic, however the beach holds a secret...|
|8||8||The Prodigal Corpse||After being freed Earl has decided to follow Barney and Dr. Kleiner in order to seek their help.|
|9||9||Barney Helps Out||With Earl and Roderick now new flatmates, perhaps they can help with the rent since Dr. Breen is getting a little impatient.|
|10||10||Enter Mossman||Dr. Breen has gotten home from his eventful day but must now deal with his oblivious fiancée, Judith Mossman.|
|11||11||Far from the Last Temptation of Barney||While Dr. Kleiner mourns the loss of his apartment Barney thinks of other things...|
|12||12||Lamarr in a Stew||Using a large pot Barney attempts to capture Lamarr, only to run into trouble.|
|13||13||The Headcrab King||Captured by feral headcrabs, Barney meets Dibble-Redshirt and Magnusson and hears a terrible plan for revenge.|
|14||14||Calhoun the Hors D'oeuvre||Barney discovers that he is going to be fed to Mr Nibbles, a cloned t-rex.|
|15||15||Deus ex Headcrabima||Barney is rescued by an unlikely aide, but both are confronted by Noodles, Magnusson's combat-trained headcrab.|
|16||16||There can be only One||An epic battle of good and evil takes place between two headcrabs, and Barney's French ancestry shines through.|
|17||17||Public Relations||Dissatisfied with mere Youtube celebrity status, Breen storms out, leaving secretary Miss Longfigger alone with her dreams.|
|18||18||The Unleashing of Mr. Nibbles||Our reunited trio's jubilation is short-lived as Magnusson puts his terrible plan into action.|
|19||19||Edible Administrator||Wallace Breen, in his administratorial hubris, attempts to take on Mr. Nibbles and fails deliciously.|
|20||20||A Friendly Reunion||Wracked with guilt, Kleiner attempts to heal old wounds with an unappreciative Magnusson and fails painfully.|
|21||21||Magnusson's Flashback||Magnusson regails Earl & Rod with the tale of why he hates Isaac more than they do: Isaac stole Judith Mossman from him.|
|22||22||Headcrab Regicide||Due to genetic defects, Mr Nibbles is defeated by Earl & Rod. Magnusson is stripped of his crown and Barney saves Isaac.|
|23||23||A Face on a Screen||Despite being zombified, Magnusson's love of Judith's breencasted voice allows our friends to make good their escape.|
|24||24||Book One Epilogue||Hearing rumours of Breen's delicious death, Billy Bullsquid and his band strike up a folksong about it, albeit prematurely.|
|25||1||In which our Heroes meet Eli||Lost in the woods, Isaac & Barney make their way to the Free Children's Commune, a coven of hippies headed by Eli Vance.|
|26||2||Eli wants me for a Sunbeam||Given a tour around the Commune, Isaac & Barney meet Eli's daughter Alex, and Sunbeam the confused Combine.|
|27||3||The Initiation||Eli attempts to give a skeptical Barney an attitude-makeover by getting him in touch with nature.|
|28||4||Meet the Children||After being introduced to the rest of the Commune, Barney & Isaac are ceremonially bestowed with their Free Children names.|
|29||5||Someone's for the Chop||Having escaped from the late Mr Nibbles' digestive tract, Dr Breen storms home to Judith and vows revenge on Isaac Kleiner.|
|30||6||Lucky Houndeye||Barney has a chat with Alyx, the only other non-brainwashed member of the Commune. We also meet what is implied to be Dog (V1.0).|
|31||7||The Doc Gets Leery||Barney is furious at Eli when Isaac is discovered in an apparent state of drug-induced euphoria.|
|32||8||Dear Diary||Angsty Alyx summarises the last few episodes for her audio-diary, recorded by Dog on waffle-based writeable media.|
|33||9||The Iconoclasts||Having found homo-erotic magazines in Barney's locker, Alyx blackmails the hung-over Irishman into agreeing to help her escape from the Commune and lead a normal teenage life.|
|34||10||Day Tripper||Isaac's perception of reality is so warped that he sees Lamarr as a sexy lady, but totally freaks out when a cat jumps on him. By this stage he has totally accepted his new role as Doctor Eaglepeace, and has even tie-dyed his labcoat.|
|35||11||Intermission||A 1930's animation-styled comic about Gordon Freeman using Isaac's latest invention to interrupt City 17's propaganda.|
|36||12||Barrier Protection||Alyx and Barney ponder how to gain entry to Eli's secret vault, the access code for which is written on a part of his body that is implied as being his private parts.|
|37||13||The Set Up||Alyx and Barney hatch a cunning scheme to get Eli blotto so that Barney can read the wang-inscribed access code.|
|38||14||Flawless Victory||After slugging back some of "Eli's Private Reserve" in a drinking contest, Barney loses consciousness, his place in the Commune, the companionship of Isaac, and of course the contest.|
|39||15||The 'H' Stands for 'High'||With Barney out of the picture, Eli brings Isaac into the secret vault where he keeps an unconcious Gordon Freeman as well as his masterpiece: the H-Bomb (the H stands for High).|
|40||16||Eli's Persuasion||Eli threatens Lamarr with violence unless Isaac builds him an airbourne delivery system for the H-bomb.|
|41||17||Short-term Memory Sauce||Barney awakens and realises that he has to set things right. So does Sunbeam.|
|42||18||Quite a Mystery||Alyx brings Barney to sleeping Eli, only to discover that the hippie leader is missing more than just a leg. (HIS PENIS!!!)|
|43||19||The Thief of Manhood||Eli awakens and encumbers Barney with the prosthetic replacement wang before they, along with Alyx, check up on Isaac and the unconscious Gordon.|
|44||20||Far-Out Freeman||Eli relates the tale how a stoned Gordon Freeman got such wicked munchies that he ate Eli's leg and package, before lapsing into his current state of torpor.|
|45||21||Breen's Afternoon Off||Breen's afternoon target practise is interrupted by the arrival of Sunbeam with a special report.|
|46||22||"Let me 'Ax' you something..."||The Combine formerly known as Sunbeam delivers his report: He knows where Isaac is hiding. Judith, however, doesn't seem so keen for the beans to be spilled.|
|47||23||Come Fly with Kleiner||Isaac's flying machine is ready to deliver the H-bomb to City 17. Meanwhile, Breen and his troops are headed to the Commune.|
|48||24||My God, an Evil Masterplan!||Breen's troops are spotted from the Commune just as Barney figures out Eli's despicable ulterior motive.|
|49||25||Free Children to Battle||Brother Peaches rallies the Free Children to bring peace and love to the approaching Combine soldiers.|
|50||26||Love and Bullets||In a battle eerily foreshadowing the Iran election debacle by nearly a month, Breen's troops gun down all the placard-bearers (except for one evasive hippie named Sparkle Cow).|
|51||27||Eli, away||Eli sets out for City 17 with the airbourne H-bomb, unaware that Lamarr has eaten all of the bomb's contents.|
|52||28||A Toast to the Combine||While evacuating with Alyx and her favourite things, our heroes are accosted by Combine but protected by Dog. Meanwhile, Sparkle Cow is up to some covert operations of her own...|
|53||29||Bombdemnation||Our heroes escape in a truck while Sparkle Cow takes out Eli's flying machine and the H-bomb is detonated.|
|54||30||Doctor Exposition||Alyx, Isaac, Barney, Lamarr and the unconcious [sic] Gordon escape from the blast while Breen and the Combine are fully affected by its quaaludes.|
|55||31||Clouds||Breen and two Combine, now stripped of their inhibitions, shoot the breeze until it occurs to Breen that he should be boning Judith.|
|56||32||Doctor Breen, he went a-courting||A randy Breen returns to a worried Judith Mossman and makes love to her live on a popular - if short - Breencast.|
|57||33||Love is all around me||For once, the citizens of City 17 follow Breen's lead, with NSFW results.|
|58||34||Now Departing||Barney, Isaac and Lamarr sneak onto a passing freight train, while Alyx drags Gordon and Dog off to City 17. The question of Alyx's biological father is raised when Isaac reveals some more saucy deets to keep readers hooked until the next Book. (Well played, Co, well played.)|
|59||35||Headcrab Lost||A guest episode by Chris Urquhart (of Chris' GMod Comic) in which Lamarr dies. Or does she...? Read it, weep and then laugh!|
|60||36||Over 9,000!||A guest episode by Jamie Fiori. Kleiner and Barney disagree about something close to them.|
|61||1||Deserted||After being thrown off the train by a certain Englishman, Lamarr, Isaac and Barney stumble through the desert until they happen upon a melon farm and its somewhat territorial owners.|
|62||2||Barney Really Digs It||Isaac and Barney prove that they can be useful on a melon farm.|
|63||3||Isaac Kleiner - Man of the Land?||Isaac derives a formula for bigger melons, and also a more sinister formula for taking Mrs. Land's land. Or is he just a romantic?|
|64||4||You Ain't Nothing But A Houndeye||Breen feels the pang of regret. Meanwhile, Lamarr doesn't get on well with Mitchum, at whom the uncharacteristically scheming & villainous Isaac directs his wrath.|
|65||5||Barney Demonstrates His Bottle||Barney meets the infamous Fisher and his cronie, and promptly teaches them some manners, for which he is rewarded with booze.|
|66||6||Bitter Supper||Our two hapless heroes have a bit of a tiff.|
|67||7||Appropriate Attire||While Kleiner tries to impress Mrs. Land, Barney is sporting some new duds.|
|68||8||Goodbye, Fred the Beard||Realising what makes him so attractive, Breen resorts to desperate measures.|
|69||9||In which Breen dyes||Breen + Wood Dye = Lulz!|
|70||10||Mrs Land's Melons Meet a Sticky End||The local sheriff comes to put down Mrs. Land's melon crop, due to an infestation of Gummy Stem Blight.|
|71||11||Kleiner's Truce||Kleiner and Barney put aside their differences in order to get one over on Fisher.|
|72||12||Now You're Thinking with Portals!||The master plan is put into action.|
|73||13||Melon Theft||The theft begins! However an old "friend" is waiting for them...|
|74||14||A Very Special Announcement||A break from the regular story to advertise "Co's Food Company Kitteh Poo-Poo Snax®".|
|75||15||Fatal Attraction||Baron von Tailfeathers once again creates havoc and alters the appearence of the handsome administrator.|
|76||16||How to Ditch an Irishman||While carrying out their plan Kleiner suddenly betrays Barney!|
|77||17||Shine On, Barney||Fisher and Jango have second thoughts about bringing Earl into their revenge. Barney uncovers a shocking fact.|
|78||18||Act of God||Barney confronts Kleiner about what he has learnt only to find out the truth...|
|79||19||Making Up is Easy to - wait, WTF?!||Barney and Kleiner are on the verge of making up someone barges on set and ruins the scene, much to the anger of the director.|
|80||20||Making Up is Easy to Do||Barney and Kleiner make up, meanwhile romance is in the air for a certain headcrab...|
|81||21||Go Figure, Miss Lonfigger||Miss Longfigger like, totally gets some relationship advice from her B.F.F. Whatever.|
|82||22||Something for the Weekend, Sir?||One thing leads to another for Barney and Mrs. Land...|
|83||23||In Flagrante Delicto||Caught in the act, Barney tries to explain his actions to a furious Kleiner.|
|84||24||Walkabout||Feeling betrayed by his friends and Mrs Land, Kleiner goes away in a huff.|
|85||25||This is the Scientist we're looking for||Kleiner gets involved in an insidious plot.|
|86||26||Mother Knows Best||Following some motherly advice, Kleiner finally does the right thing.|
|87||27||Is This the End of Lamarr?||Left at Earl's mercy, an unlikely hero saves the day!|
|88||28||Barney he do Mighty Magick||Using an old spell taught by his Grandma, Barney makes Earl see sense.|
|89||29||Doctor Breen has a Falling Out||Things just go from bad to worse for everyone's favourite administrator.|
|90||30||A New Way of Being||Our intrepid heroes go their seperate ways.|
|91||31||Book Three Epilogue||Ned Land makes an appearance and promptly tells Earl the truth about Barney's 'magick'.|
|92||32||Requiem for a Headcrab||This guest comic by Andrew Kepple tells how headcrabs think.|
|93||33||Misunderstood||This guest comic by Chris Urquhart tells a very (very, very, very!) corny joke.|
|94||34||A Holiday Special|
|95||35||Life Before Lamarr||This guest comic by Jamie Fiori tells of various character's lives just moments before the Black Mesa Incident.|
|96||36||How Roderick Came to Be: Part One||This Halloween story reveals the fateful story of how Earl and Roderick came to be trapped in a basement.|
|97||37||How Roderick Came to Be: Part Two|
|98||38||How Roderick Came to Be: Part Three|
|99||39||How Roderick Came to Be: Part Four|
|100||40||How Roderick Came to Be: Part Five|
|101||41||Poetry Special - The Ballad of Melanie Land|
|196||1||The Word on the Vorts|
|Bonus episode - Fran's Kitchen|
|198||3||Doctor Breen gets a new P.A.|
|199||4||Mystical Vort Sense|
|200||5||Go West, young Calhoun!|
|201||6||The Old Switcheroo|
|202||7||Everybody hates Rochelle|
|205||10||Vortal Amplification, the Process and Results|
|206||11||It's all in the Genes|
|Bonus episode - Theoretical Troll Physics with Doctor Gordon Freeman|
|208||13||Headcrabs oh Headcrabs, Alive, Alive-O|
|209||14||A Poem of Death|
|210||15||Strike One, Strike Two|
|Bonus episode - CAPTCHArt Fun|
|212||17||Down in the Tube Station at Midnight|
|214||19||Pots of Fun|
Life with Lamarr reboot
The Life with Lamarr reboot is the 6th story in Life with Lamarr. After the unresolved plot of Book Five, Barney awaken to find Kleiner's apartment restored and Lamarr alive. Kleiner claims the previous events were all Barney's dreams while Barney protests the attempt to reboot the comic.