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Life with Lamarr
Lwl logo1
Created by Co Fiori-McPhee
Started 29th January, 2009
No. of Books 5
No. of episodes 214
External links
Official site
Facebook page
Tropes
Music on Last.fm


Life with Lamarr is a surreal G-Mod comic by Co Fiori-McPhee set inbetween the games Half-Life and Half-Life 2. It follows the day to day life of theoretical physicist Isaac Kleiner, his pet, the titular Lamarr and his room-mate Barney Calhoun.

Main Cast

For a full cast list see: List of Life with Lamarr characters.
  • Isaac Kleiner - A theoretical physicist and former employee of Black Mesa before it was destroyed by invading aliens and a nuclear bomb. Room-mate to Barney Calhoun.
  • Barney Calhoun - An Irishman with a penchant for alcohol and former security guard at Black Mesa.
  • Lamarr - The titular headcrab, pet of Dr. Kleiner. Having been tamed (and de-beaked) it is incapable of turning a person into a zombie.
  • Wallace Breen - Former administer of Black Mesa, now administer of the entire Earth. Is constantly after Dr. Kleiner due to his late rent payment.
  • Judith Mossman - Fiancée to Dr. Breen, quite absent minded and has a habit of accidental inserting double entendre into serious conversations.
  • Earl Beathan - Once an ordinary citizen, now quite insane after spending eight months trapped with the corpse of his brother-in-law Roderick Thanatos.
  • Roderick Thanatos - Married to Earl's sister, until he died that is, he now spends his time being carried around by Earl.
  • Arne Magnusson - A former scientist at Black Mesa, driven insane by Dr. Kleiner due to his endless good advice and ruining his date with Judith Mossman. Now goes by alias The Headcrab King.
  • Eli Vance - Creator of the Free Children's Commune, a place for citizens to escape the cities and reconnect with nature. The Commune turned out to be a front for his evil schemes.
  • Alyx Vance - Eli's teenage daughter, rebellious like the average teen and is sick of the hippy life.
  • Sunbeam - A Combine Officer, joined the Free Children's Commune and got a large bout of amnesia from all the drugs.
  • Melanie Land - A widowed melon-growing woman who scratches a living in the wastelands.
  • Obediah Fisher - A rich and unscrupulous landowner.
  • Nancy Longfigger - Dr. Breen's right-hand woman, dreams of removing Judith Mossman from the picture so she can have Breen to herself.
  • Odessa Cubbage - A military man turned narrator.
  • Peter Orniphobe - 'Victim' of Baron von Tailfeathers
  • Baron von Tailfeathers - A pigeon with a taste for destruction.
  • Timothy - A talking Cactus.
Fonzie <(This Wiki needs work, get to it you rapscallions!) (Yes sir!)> Cunningham


List of Episodes

Book One: The Headcrab King

# Title Description
1 1 Hate Cuisine Finding no food in the apartment Dr. Kleiner takes Lamarr out to a restaurant.
2 2 Window Pain Someone keeps breaking Dr. Kleiner's windows, however Barney is too busy getting drunk to help him.
3 3 Saucy Headcrab Dr. Kleiner is late on paying the rent, however Barney may have discovered a solution.
4 4 Potty Time Lamarr has made a mess on the rug, it is time for her to learn how to use the "little headcrab's room".
5 5 Expression Dr. Kleiner is defending Lamarr's right to express herself so Barney sets out to express himself.
6 6 Kleiner's Scientific Method After another talk with Dr. Breen over the late rent Dr. Kleiner is inspired to make a breakthrough in theoretical physics.
7 7 Death's a Beach Taking a break from work Dr. Kleiner takes Lamarr and Barney to the beach for a picnic, however the beach holds a secret...
8 8 The Prodigal Corpse After being freed Earl has decided to follow Barney and Dr. Kleiner in order to seek their help.
9 9 Barney Helps Out With Earl and Roderick now new flatmates, perhaps they can help with the rent since Dr. Breen is getting a little impatient.
10 10 Enter Mossman Dr. Breen has gotten home from his eventful day but must now deal with his oblivious fiancée, Judith Mossman.
11 11 Far from the Last Temptation of Barney While Dr. Kleiner mourns the loss of his apartment Barney thinks of other things...
12 12 Lamarr in a Stew Using a large pot Barney attempts to capture Lamarr, only to run into trouble.
13 13 The Headcrab King Captured by feral headcrabs, Barney meets Dibble-Redshirt and Magnusson and hears a terrible plan for revenge.
14 14 Calhoun the Hors D'oeuvre Barney discovers that he is going to be fed to Mr Nibbles, a cloned t-rex.
15 15 Deus ex Headcrabima Barney is rescued by an unlikely aide, but both are confronted by Noodles, Magnusson's combat-trained headcrab.
16 16 There can be only One An epic battle of good and evil takes place between two headcrabs, and Barney's French ancestry shines through.
17 17 Public Relations Dissatisfied with mere Youtube celebrity status, Breen storms out, leaving secretary Miss Longfigger alone with her dreams.
18 18 The Unleashing of Mr. Nibbles Our reunited trio's jubilation is short-lived as Magnusson puts his terrible plan into action.
19 19 Edible Administrator Wallace Breen, in his administratorial hubris, attempts to take on Mr. Nibbles and fails deliciously.
20 20 A Friendly Reunion Wracked with guilt, Kleiner attempts to heal old wounds with an unappreciative Magnusson and fails painfully.
21 21 Magnusson's Flashback Magnusson regails Earl & Rod with the tale of why he hates Isaac more than they do: Isaac stole Judith Mossman from him.
22 22 Headcrab Regicide Due to genetic defects, Mr Nibbles is defeated by Earl & Rod. Magnusson is stripped of his crown and Barney saves Isaac.
23 23 A Face on a Screen Despite being zombified, Magnusson's love of Judith's breencasted voice allows our friends to make good their escape.
24 24 Book One Epilogue Hearing rumours of Breen's delicious death, Billy Bullsquid and his band strike up a folksong about it, albeit prematurely.

Book Two: The Free Children's Commune

# Title Description
25 1 In which our Heroes meet Eli Lost in the woods, Isaac & Barney make their way to the Free Children's Commune, a coven of hippies headed by Eli Vance.
26 2 Eli wants me for a Sunbeam Given a tour around the Commune, Isaac & Barney meet Eli's daughter Alex, and Sunbeam the confused Combine.
27 3 The Initiation Eli attempts to give a skeptical Barney an attitude-makeover by getting him in touch with nature.
28 4 Meet the Children After being introduced to the rest of the Commune, Barney & Isaac are ceremonially bestowed with their Free Children names.
29 5 Someone's for the Chop Having escaped from the late Mr Nibbles' digestive tract, Dr Breen storms home to Judith and vows revenge on Isaac Kleiner.
30 6 Lucky Houndeye Barney has a chat with Alyx, the only other non-brainwashed member of the Commune. We also meet what is implied to be Dog (V1.0).
31 7 The Doc Gets Leery Barney is furious at Eli when Isaac is discovered in an apparent state of drug-induced euphoria.
32 8 Dear Diary Angsty Alyx summarises the last few episodes for her audio-diary, recorded by Dog on waffle-based writeable media.
33 9 The Iconoclasts Having found homo-erotic magazines in Barney's locker, Alyx blackmails the hung-over Irishman into agreeing to help her escape from the Commune and lead a normal teenage life.
34 10 Day Tripper Isaac's perception of reality is so warped that he sees Lamarr as a sexy lady, but totally freaks out when a cat jumps on him. By this stage he has totally accepted his new role as Doctor Eaglepeace, and has even tie-dyed his labcoat.
35 11 Intermission A 1930's animation-styled comic about Gordon Freeman using Isaac's latest invention to interrupt City 17's propaganda.
36 12 Barrier Protection Alyx and Barney ponder how to gain entry to Eli's secret vault, the access code for which is written on a part of his body that is implied as being his private parts.
37 13 The Set Up Alyx and Barney hatch a cunning scheme to get Eli blotto so that Barney can read the wang-inscribed access code.
38 14 Flawless Victory After slugging back some of "Eli's Private Reserve" in a drinking contest, Barney loses consciousness, his place in the Commune, the companionship of Isaac, and of course the contest.
39 15 The 'H' Stands for 'High' With Barney out of the picture, Eli brings Isaac into the secret vault where he keeps an unconcious Gordon Freeman as well as his masterpiece: the H-Bomb (the H stands for High).
40 16 Eli's Persuasion Eli threatens Lamarr with violence unless Isaac builds him an airbourne delivery system for the H-bomb.
41 17 Short-term Memory Sauce Barney awakens and realises that he has to set things right. So does Sunbeam.
42 18 Quite a Mystery Alyx brings Barney to sleeping Eli, only to discover that the hippie leader is missing more than just a leg. (HIS PENIS!!!)
43 19 The Thief of Manhood Eli awakens and encumbers Barney with the prosthetic replacement wang before they, along with Alyx, check up on Isaac and the unconscious Gordon.
44 20 Far-Out Freeman Eli relates the tale how a stoned Gordon Freeman got such wicked munchies that he ate Eli's leg and package, before lapsing into his current state of torpor.
45 21 Breen's Afternoon Off Breen's afternoon target practise is interrupted by the arrival of Sunbeam with a special report.
46 22 "Let me 'Ax' you something..." The Combine formerly known as Sunbeam delivers his report: He knows where Isaac is hiding. Judith, however, doesn't seem so keen for the beans to be spilled.
47 23 Come Fly with Kleiner Isaac's flying machine is ready to deliver the H-bomb to City 17. Meanwhile, Breen and his troops are headed to the Commune.
48 24 My God, an Evil Masterplan! Breen's troops are spotted from the Commune just as Barney figures out Eli's despicable ulterior motive.
49 25 Free Children to Battle Brother Peaches rallies the Free Children to bring peace and love to the approaching Combine soldiers.
50 26 Love and Bullets In a battle eerily foreshadowing the Iran election debacle by nearly a month, Breen's troops gun down all the placard-bearers (except for one evasive hippie named Sparkle Cow).
51 27 Eli, away Eli sets out for City 17 with the airbourne H-bomb, unaware that Lamarr has eaten all of the bomb's contents.
52 28 A Toast to the Combine While evacuating with Alyx and her favourite things, our heroes are accosted by Combine but protected by Dog. Meanwhile, Sparkle Cow is up to some covert operations of her own...
53 29 Bombdemnation Our heroes escape in a truck while Sparkle Cow takes out Eli's flying machine and the H-bomb is detonated.
54 30 Doctor Exposition Alyx, Isaac, Barney, Lamarr and the unconcious [sic] Gordon escape from the blast while Breen and the Combine are fully affected by its quaaludes.
55 31 Clouds Breen and two Combine, now stripped of their inhibitions, shoot the breeze until it occurs to Breen that he should be boning Judith.
56 32 Doctor Breen, he went a-courting A randy Breen returns to a worried Judith Mossman and makes love to her live on a popular - if short - Breencast.
57 33 Love is all around me For once, the citizens of City 17 follow Breen's lead, with NSFW results.
58 34 Now Departing Barney, Isaac and Lamarr sneak onto a passing freight train, while Alyx drags Gordon and Dog off to City 17. The question of Alyx's biological father is raised when Isaac reveals some more saucy deets to keep readers hooked until the next Book. (Well played, Co, well played.)
59 35 Headcrab Lost A guest episode by Chris Urquhart (of Chris' GMod Comic) in which Lamarr dies. Or does she...? Read it, weep and then laugh!
60 36 Over 9,000! A guest episode by Jamie Fiori. Kleiner and Barney disagree about something close to them.

Book Three: Land Sakes

# Title Description
61 1 Deserted After being thrown off the train by a certain Englishman, Lamarr, Isaac and Barney stumble through the desert until they happen upon a melon farm and its somewhat territorial owners.
62 2 Barney Really Digs It Isaac and Barney prove that they can be useful on a melon farm.
63 3 Isaac Kleiner - Man of the Land? Isaac derives a formula for bigger melons, and also a more sinister formula for taking Mrs. Land's land. Or is he just a romantic?
64 4 You Ain't Nothing But A Houndeye Breen feels the pang of regret. Meanwhile, Lamarr doesn't get on well with Mitchum, at whom the uncharacteristically scheming & villainous Isaac directs his wrath.
65 5 Barney Demonstrates His Bottle Barney meets the infamous Fisher and his cronie, and promptly teaches them some manners, for which he is rewarded with booze.
66 6 Bitter Supper Our two hapless heroes have a bit of a tiff.
67 7 Appropriate Attire While Kleiner tries to impress Mrs. Land, Barney is sporting some new duds.
68 8 Goodbye, Fred the Beard Realising what makes him so attractive, Breen resorts to desperate measures.
69 9 In which Breen dyes Breen + Wood Dye = Lulz!
70 10 Mrs Land's Melons Meet a Sticky End The local sheriff comes to put down Mrs. Land's melon crop, due to an infestation of Gummy Stem Blight.
71 11 Kleiner's Truce Kleiner and Barney put aside their differences in order to get one over on Fisher.
72 12 Now You're Thinking with Portals! The master plan is put into action.
73 13 Melon Theft The theft begins! However an old "friend" is waiting for them...
74 14 A Very Special Announcement A break from the regular story to advertise "Co's Food Company Kitteh Poo-Poo Snax®".
75 15 Fatal Attraction Baron von Tailfeathers once again creates havoc and alters the appearence of the handsome administrator.
76 16 How to Ditch an Irishman While carrying out their plan Kleiner suddenly betrays Barney!
77 17 Shine On, Barney Fisher and Jango have second thoughts about bringing Earl into their revenge. Barney uncovers a shocking fact.
78 18 Act of God Barney confronts Kleiner about what he has learnt only to find out the truth...
79 19 Making Up is Easy to - wait, WTF?! Barney and Kleiner are on the verge of making up someone barges on set and ruins the scene, much to the anger of the director.
80 20 Making Up is Easy to Do Barney and Kleiner make up, meanwhile romance is in the air for a certain headcrab...
81 21 Go Figure, Miss Lonfigger Miss Longfigger like, totally gets some relationship advice from her B.F.F. Whatever.
82 22 Something for the Weekend, Sir? One thing leads to another for Barney and Mrs. Land...
83 23 In Flagrante Delicto Caught in the act, Barney tries to explain his actions to a furious Kleiner.
84 24 Walkabout Feeling betrayed by his friends and Mrs Land, Kleiner goes away in a huff.
85 25 This is the Scientist we're looking for Kleiner gets involved in an insidious plot.
86 26 Mother Knows Best Following some motherly advice, Kleiner finally does the right thing.
87 27 Is This the End of Lamarr? Left at Earl's mercy, an unlikely hero saves the day!
88 28 Barney he do Mighty Magick Using an old spell taught by his Grandma, Barney makes Earl see sense.
89 29 Doctor Breen has a Falling Out Things just go from bad to worse for everyone's favourite administrator.
90 30 A New Way of Being Our intrepid heroes go their seperate ways.
91 31 Book Three Epilogue Ned Land makes an appearance and promptly tells Earl the truth about Barney's 'magick'.
92 32 Requiem for a Headcrab This guest comic by Andrew Kepple tells how headcrabs think.
93 33 Misunderstood This guest comic by Chris Urquhart tells a very (very, very, very!) corny joke.
94 34 A Holiday Special
95 35 Life Before Lamarr This guest comic by Jamie Fiori tells of various character's lives just moments before the Black Mesa Incident.
96 36 How Roderick Came to Be: Part One This Halloween story reveals the fateful story of how Earl and Roderick came to be trapped in a basement.
97 37 How Roderick Came to Be: Part Two
98 38 How Roderick Came to Be: Part Three
99 39 How Roderick Came to Be: Part Four
100 40 How Roderick Came to Be: Part Five
101 41 Poetry Special - The Ballad of Melanie Land

Book Four: The House of Longfigger

# Title Description
102 1 Cremate & Cremating
103 2 Barney does a Bad Thing
104 3 Friends Reunited
105 4 Longfigger Administration PSA #1 A warning about the dangers of Xen Public Lice from The Longfigger Public Awareness Conglomerate.
106 5 Miss Longfigger's New Order show their teeth
107 6 Longfigger Administration PSA #2 A message about litter, featuring the newest mascot of City 17.
108 7 Longfigger Administration PSA #3 A warning about Headcrab infection from The Longfigger Citizen's Personal Protection Committee.
109 8 Judith Mossman meets the Internet
110 9 Vocational Guidance Counsellor
111 10 Kleiner Lucks Out, Barney's Luck's Out Kleiner goes to check if the lab is intact, meanwhile Barney goes to the ruins of their old apartment to look any stuff that survived the bomb and finds a pair of strange people.
112 11 Free Booze
113 12 Fangful Friends
114 13 Longfigger Administration PSA #4 An alert on personal safety while on the highway.
115 14 Naughty Vorti This One prepares to relax with his favourite magazine...
116 15 The God-Awful Truth
117 16 It's a Black Hole, Son
118 17 Poor Miss Longfigger's Breaking Heart
119 18 A Very Barney Christmas Barney tells the story of the saviour of the human race while Kleiner prepares Christmas dinner.
120 19 Be thee gone, thou Demon Gin
121 20 A Party in the Dark
122 21 Longfigger Administration PSA #5 A message for women from The Longfigger Administration 'Equal Rights for Hot Babes' Council.
123 22 Kleiner's Experiments go to Pot
124 23 Saturday's Child
125 24 We've got some bad news about the pool
126 25 Barney's Prickly Pal
127 26 Miss Longfigger comes to visit
128 27 There's Nothing that Science Can't Do, Nothing!
129 28 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #1
130 29 Custom Reader Comics Week!
131 30 Cinema Lamarr Presents #1
132 31 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #2
133 32 Go Go Mossman Headcrab
134 33 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #3
135 34 The Wrath of the Nasal
136 35 Stays Crunchy
137 36 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #4
138 37 Religious Debate
139 38 Night-time Naughtiness
140 39 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #5
141 40 Stalker Stalemate
142 41 Up yer pipe
143 42 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #6
144 43 The Gross Episode
145 44 Peter's Orders
146 45 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #7
147 46 Get Out of Jail (Not Free)
148 47 Saturday Fortress #1
149 48 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #8
150 49 Barney in a Tight Spot
151 50 Requiem for an Administrator
152 51 Fascinating Developments
153 52 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #9
154 53 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #10
155 54 Peter & the Wolf
156 55 Dippy Luck #1 Barney comes clean about him and Mel, and Kleiner sympathises with him and starts to retell the story of him and Mossman...
157 56 Dippy Luck #2 Peter has found himself unharmed following the explosion, and seeing the Baron nearby wonders if he had been wrong about him...
158 57 Dippy Luck #3 Tim is stuck lying in the street and unable to get assistance, however there is a hungry Bullsquid nearby...
159 58 The Simple Joys of Being a Bullsquid
160 59 St. George's Day Card
161 60 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #11
162 61 Melon Split
163 62 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #12
164 63 The Plummeting of Mr. Peter
165 64 Gravity's calling, I've got some Falling to Do
166 65 Antlions, Stockings, Lasers and Mossman
167 66 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #13
168 67 Hope comes in Boxes
169 68 Grand Theft Accrington Stanley
170 69 Future Tense
171 70 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #14
172 71 V for Vendetta
173 72 Kleiner's Solution
174 73 Baste me in Sherry
175 74 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #15
176 75 Unmasked!
177 76 Alyx has a Notion
178 77 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #16
179 78 Breen Breen Bang Bang
180 79 The Legacy of Mister Nosedive
181 80 The Mossman Files (part 1)
182 81 The Mossman Files (part 2)
183 82 The Mossman Files (part 3)
184 83 Cinema Lamarr Presents #2
185 84 The Mossman Files (part 4)
186 85 The Mossman Files (part 5)
187 86 The Mossman Files (part 6)
188 87 Like a Dash of Cold Acid
189 88 Time to Go
190 89 The Last Adieu
191 90 Guest comic week: #1 - There's a lot goin' on
192 91 Guest comic week: #2 - Life with Horatio
193 92 Guest comic week: #3 - Coping
194 93 Guest comic week: #4 - Greetings from Heaven
195 94 Book Four Epilogue

Book Five: El Headcrab Gigante

# Title Description
196 1 The Word on the Vorts
Bonus episode - Fran's Kitchen
197 2 Denied!
198 3 Doctor Breen gets a new P.A.
199 4 Mystical Vort Sense
200 5 Go West, young Calhoun!
201 6 The Old Switcheroo
202 7 Everybody hates Rochelle
203 8 Loony
204 9 Christmas Time
205 10 Vortal Amplification, the Process and Results
206 11 It's all in the Genes
Bonus episode - Theoretical Troll Physics with Doctor Gordon Freeman
207 12 Something's Afoot
208 13 Headcrabs oh Headcrabs, Alive, Alive-O
209 14 A Poem of Death
210 15 Strike One, Strike Two
Bonus episode - CAPTCHArt Fun
211 16 Bazza's Solution
212 17 Down in the Tube Station at Midnight
213 18 Mucking In
214 19 Pots of Fun

Life with Lamarr reboot

The Life with Lamarr reboot is the 6th story in Life with Lamarr. After the unresolved plot of Book Five, Barney awaken to find Kleiner's apartment restored and Lamarr alive. Kleiner claims the previous events were all Barney's dreams while Barney protests the attempt to reboot the comic.

See also

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